Unfair

I changed a lot.
I tend to control my temper and tolerate more wisely.
Nevertheless, it's burdening to put on a facade of happiness when I am to be blamed, to be left out, to be treated unfairly...
It's never really me to fool around like a clown. Occasionally, I need time alone to relieve myself.
Yes, I was asked about the whys and hows. I was asked to express.
But, no, I can't.
Even if I would express, tides would turn. Eventually, it's my fault again and I would be shunned.
Indeed, it's your choice to opt to be kind with who, to be intimate with who...
No, no, no. You never would understand jealousy do occur between friends.
Is it so hard to be impartial?
The typical loser quotes: Good guys finish last / You do not have the 'look'

I tend to notice small details a lot
What's good: I appreciate little, small things
What's bad: I tend to notice small differences and it would upset me

Oh, in fact, these aren't small details
Countless occurrences were being unfair to me
When I was being quiet, nobody bothered, instead I was to be blamed for not talking with him, and not vice versa.
They would take initiatives to care about him, talk to him, but I was just beside being left out. Desperate? Be in my shoes before  you speak.
He claimed to become talkative and I was to be blamed.
Walking in a bunch, ever noticed I was being left behind? No.
tapping, snapping, whispering... Yes, I'm excluded. 
I wished I would have just walked away which would just make matters worse.
Yes, you did ask. So, was I supposed to answer that I was behind and ignored to cause everybody feeling guilty and trying to be nice to me after that?
NO, I do not want that to occur. It would be pointless anyway if only so would grant me concerns.
Tolerate. That's what I always do.
Sigh.
Fine. It's fine though, all I ever wanted is just some sign of appreciation.
Well, of course, we do goods not because we want something in return though. But sometimes, I just felt being toyed.

Countless times I pleaded that I never had climbed up to this class. It's better just to be alone.
Well, high school life ended anyways. Just sweep away the pain and bring along the remaining of what's good to reminisce of.

I recalled that someone had mentioned that I'm more sociable now but I never know how to express up for myself
True, I always care others more than myself.
Expressing is what you all asked me to do. In reality, what I express is what you would distaste since you never believe jealousy do occur between friendships. Oh well, you never do, everyone treats you well.

Argh. The tension level just keeps arising.
I need sports

Disclaimer: I never distaste anyone. For god's sake, it's just pure expressing. It's all up to you if you would think I am desperate when you never even take a step in my shoes. 

Treasuring

Being deceived is better than to deceive one

Treat others as good as you can, you never know what's coming
Learn to treasure someone who does appreciate you as much too
Treat those who treats you casual casually, not worth to venture deeper and prove something that they would not treasure anyways


Irony

Ridicule me about how I could interact so much with someone that I never met
Ironically, someone whom I knew well, talked a lot with, or even thought was my best buddies did not appreciated my existence as much as one that I never met; that irony.

Asking about not-even-close-to-lame stuff, you would ignore
Others thrust in some unfruitful words, you responded immediately
How ironic

Since you do not take me serious, I will as well treat you casually (which you probably don't care either)

When I started to whine about
They wouldn't even care (or notice?)
Somehow ones who would care, took the blames instead


Halt!

Should you be interested in other guys or even if it happened to be me (which is quite impossible)
I do not want to take interest in, at least for these few months, I've had enough of days with my spoiled mood
I can recall the days which I could not focus on class, I was mad to a certainty that I walked away with clenched fists, or I lost the sense of humour and needs of smiling
Heck, I wonder when will it all be normal again? Can I just act dumb?


Frankly
After countless incidents, I started to anticipate more, become too doubtful
I don't want my words to ruin things
That's why I'm replying late or not replying (I don't know how to respond)
Nevertheless, I will be truthful

Tingling stings

Coincidences do occur occasionally, especially when you most expected it
Again, I have to tolerate the torment and act numb. Getting the best possible position to halt any possible visualization.
Definitely, there is a noticeable difference compare to the past.
Yes, I'm still reminiscing; how could I have just strolled over and sat down cracking some cliche jest...
Back in reality, my instincts knew better that I should just stay away as being acquainted, not even landing a quick glance nor even leaking depression within my expressions as I walked pass.
I need not the superficial smile you can put on with your least efforts to show your courtesy but the friendly yet rude tease that I was familiar of.
Neither I was misunderstanding nor loathing but just execrating of my lack of courage
I never knew how quickly it could deescalate

It is my nature to appear in emotionless, neutral...
Hardly, there will be any people that notice my sentimental and emotive elements.
How often have these ignorance been frequenting me? I doubted.
Was it being calm that bring me these treats : "It's okay, he will be fine", "Nah, he will not be mad"...
Indeed, I will be fine but I never have been fine with any offering of cold shoulders
I'm hardly worth of one's agitation.
It tingles my inner yet I have to portray pretense because I'm not good at these Q&A sessions—I learnt the hard way as expressing truthfully never had brought me good outcomes; somehow it have became my instincts
Perhaps, surging my ire will grant me some needed attentions—sometimes I do desperate of some pity, for the least. However, I do learn about distaste on the people that were being agitated so much.
These desperation provokes my sorrow to a greater extent.


No one was to be blamed, but myself.
I have to summon courage and cease the fear!
"Getting failures with attempts are better than getting failures with self-declared defeats." I always bear that in mind, but...where is my bravery?
Sigh.

Concern or Sympathy ?

How could people be so sensitive with me
Does my gaze cause doubts? *sigh*
Has my past intention imprinted all these cautions and awareness...

It is just my sincere obligation to be anxious of you (I acknowledge of the impossibility)

There is a fine line of difference between concern and sympathy
When one treasures something, they will concern.
When something was not treasured by any, one will tend to concern; that is sympathy.

I need not be sympathized but be treasured sincerely
Save yourself some time


That radiance, that waggery . . . should remain as concealed reminiscence yet they are oppressive

Woe and sorrow

Witnessing but not questioning was the worst thing I ever did...
The demolition towards fear is needed

Unable to acknowledge the present as I reminisce with remorse and penitence of how the past was gaiety and glee
Contemplating ways to retrieve
Contemplating ways to mend, may it be stitches by stitches, as long as the result will be wondrous or even miraculous

The endeavor of recalling and rebuilding the past would be the worst of my imbecility erred
Perhaps I shall learn the way to appreciate it in a different way as if every connection is unique and the interaction between may differ...yet the exchanges of mirth, they ail me

Dread of omission

My inadvertence is unintentional. But, oddly, my dread of omission can only be found within you
Perhaps I had witnessed how it slays hearts of many. Perhaps I had experienced the misery and yet it traumatizes me...

The fear grows from time to time, haunting me in my slumber, tricking my consciousness yet leaving a trail within

A mad man

A mad man associates violence; a mad man in calm would remain dead silence
Do not challenge the serenity of one as one is struggling within to seal his inner beast in sanity
Be observant, sharpen your words with wisdom

Do people even wonder what have evoked the demon of rage from the underground of emotions?
The jaundice.

Jaundice fenced up my inner peace, defied my inner of will to speak
I should have not committed the sin of jaundice, however, the unbearable is unstoppable

Your ring of concern which catch the crowds to be within, leaving me out of the borderline has ignited my blaze of anger triggering the jaundice, summoning the hatred...

Sympathies for him
But whose are spared for me?

I should had pulled myself out from the torment already...

Jaundice

Positioning myself in between the exchanges of mirth and radiance has proven myself of achieving the next level of idiocy being an oxymoron
Please kindly inform me if concede has became a necessity to unlock my heart from the cage of torment
I simply could not bear with the gimmicks or deceptions
I'm not genius in unravel riddles, please drop the mask
As if the matter which I concern of has turned to be the fact of saddening reality, then I will play my role. I will acknowledge it.

My unbearable sins of jaundice breaking the chains to unseal my blaze of rage from time to time, however, learning the fact that unleashing my inner beast will not change the destiny of what fate had decided. The transition of envy into hatred makes no smarter choice but would have worsen the situation instead.

Learning to refine my tolerance in dealing with these unbearable matters tends to be a torture but will greatly reduce the damage that I will be facing in the future.
Ensnaring by jealousy to live within the hutch of sadness makes my heart to feel every ticking second is a suffer.


Take it or liberate it

Fallacy

With the fear of having my troop of hope to be routed in rout again due to the fallacy instilled beneath my skull has certainly caused myriad stoppages to my attempts in venturing further for the chance to have you shrugged off your dreads of the unnecessary.

The nerve of enraged impetuosity can still barely be handled nevertheless. At least, I need not my eyes to suffer but my mentality has to bear with it. My heart has been through infinite roller-coaster ride; going through up and down albeit the disregard of yours.

Your conservation is indeed questioning, there is not even a room for my concern to stay on. I seems to have lost the capability to go through the barrier, or, for the saddening fact that I never had it before.

Personal thoughts

Unjust demeanor is unjustified as who had brought 'moral' and define it?
"If one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please" said Epictetus.
Not trying to be partricrian who shows some judgmental philosophy, but just jotting down what I have in mind now. Babble all these things out at Facebook/Twitter seems to be a boast for many. Training my sentences building at the mean time.


The judgement of achievements of one should not be judged by the acts portrayed and the possessions which seems to be emblematic to one's fortune and pride, i.e. veblen goods like horologic pieces with those refined craftmanship and precise detailing on the mechanical movements and bodyparts despite Quartz movement watches are obviously known for its accuracy, affordability, yet more functionable and easily managable. However, one with achievements deserves to possess the fortune and pride which is necessary to reward himself with. If one with bare achievement trying to pursue over the luxuries will end up suffering.


Efforts will guarantee success; Fate may guarantee efforts will not guarantee success. Unjustified outcome will evoke demonic inners of one's to achieve success as one is hankering over it. Then, many will face the worst of the worst, experiencing the downfall which may leads people far from being sane.
Your wondrous bearing intrigues against me causing chaotic tumult beneath my skull initiating the blitzkrieg of my nerves and my calmness. I have no assurance. Taking on a larghetto skirmish is my best bet, at least for now.